Worth
by nautika
Summary: Sometimes it’s hard to see ourselves as others see us. Sometimes, it hurts to look.


**Worth**  
By nautika 

K rating

Summary: Sometimes it's hard to see ourselves as others see us. Sometimes, it hurts to look.

Disclaimer: Not mine, wouldn't know what to do with them if they were. Not for profit fiction.

Author's Notes: This fiction was originally a plot bunny only from one Point of View. Someone asked for another chapter, but the bunny didn't want to really move on in time. So I've added three other Points of View, creating an Extended Edition, so to speak. I consider all of my stories AU.

**Worth**

As I take my turn at watch I look at my companions. One is my brother since birth and has always been in my life. Another, my brother for only a short span of years, but as well loved as the other. And my friend for centuries upon centuries, a brother of the heart. Great is our love, each for the other. I know they value me, and in their company, I feel my worth. And yet…

Do they really see me as I see them?

I look at my companions. Two are heirs to elven kingdoms. One is heir to a kingdom of men. I am heir to nothing.

Would I change it? No, for to change it would mean my brother must die.

Does it sorrow me? Yes, but not because I crave what is theirs. Only because I feel my company somehow diminishes our joint worth. I am less, so I lessen the group. And I would not see them lessened by any man nor elf…none! They are worthy of their futures. They will make their fathers proud. And I will be proud of them as well. I am proud of them now. All are honorable and noble and courageous. All have a sense of justice beyond reproach.

Their places are set before them, known to them since they were old enough to understand. Their futures mapped out even before they were born. My future is a blank page. And no one notices. None, not even my…our…father steps forward to offer me a direction.

Perhaps in the rearing of two heirs, he had no more direction to give. Oh, he loves me. I know this. But sometimes…

No, it is unfair to fault him. He loved and lost his brother to mortality, and his wife to the undying lands. He lovingly raised four children, leads an elven realm, and is the best healer in Middle Earth. There is no cause to fault him. He has done far more than I could do. Perhaps if Mother had lived…

No, for we were centuries old when she passed. If she meant to guide my path, surely it would have been begun before she departed. Perhaps if Estel had not come to us…

I gasp aloud as I realize my thought. The most horrific one of this evening. If Estel had not come to us, we would have been lost to the sorrow and fury of our mother's passing! Only the joy and light he brought to us guided us back from the darkness and away from the lust of the orc hunts. My heart breaks and I feel the tears pressing against the back of my eyes as my own thoughts bring me physical pain.

I do not deserve these three. I do not deserve a place with them. These shameful thoughts prove my lack of faith. To break faith with family and friends is a deficit of character that cannot be ignored. I drop my head as my face flames, a sob escapes before I know it is there. I feel a dampness on the hand that holds my bow and realize a tear has fallen. I stare at the hand in shock, as though it is not part of me. Oh, Valar, even my hand wants no part of me. How can these beings, each destined for greatness, have a place for me in their lives, in their hearts? How have I arrived at this place? A place of pain and panic, a place where following Elros path seems right.

A hand covers mine and I am startled into drawing breath. My eyes meet those of another. I could be looking at my reflection in the water, but I know it is not so. It is the other half of my life. He who has shared my entire life. My brother by blood.

A touch to my shoulder, feather light, and I turn my gaze to eyes of blue, in a backdrop of golden tresses. My friend's eyes show concern for me. The need to help, the readiness to do what needs to be done…for _me_.

A whisper of my name. "Elrohir?" My little brother fears for me. He has not seen me thus before. This demon is one I have fought for years, but always in private, never aired before others. Never have I asked for aid. Is it not odd?', I think now. 'Countless battles have I fought and only this one have I fought alone.' Only in this battle against this demon have I been so frozen by shame and fear that I have not called out for help. What if, in crying out, I show them the error of their ways? What if, in asking for help, they realize the demon is right and that they would be better off without me? What if, in revealing my battle, I cause them to see that they no longer want me with them? _That_ holds me silent. _That_ I could not bear.

End of Elrohir's POV _Now on to the Extended Edition._

_Elladan's POV_

I sense my twin's unease – his insecurity and his despair of ever being free of it. Often, especially since Estel came to us, has Elrohir struggled with this particular demon. Feeling inadequate, feeling somehow _less_ than Estel, Legolas and I.

That is his demon. Mine is similar and only my twin fully knows it. I fear our father's passing; I fear being expected to take his place and being unable to do so. The hole in my heart will be so great from his loss – how will I function at all – much less be able to perform his duties? Elrohir knows he is my rock. He knows that only the promise of his constant presence, support and love allows me to contemplate that future at all. Yet, there he is – watching my back as he has all of our lives – and still unable to see his own incredible worth.

Oh, Brother, how I value you! Why can you not feel _that_?

_Estel's POV_

I lay here watching my brothers - my protectors, my constant supporters. The ones who made me laugh when only moments earlier I had been nursing a heart broken by the unkind words of elflings.

My first camping trip followed a particularly humiliating experience in my early childhood. Even now, my face warms at the memory. I stayed in my room for 3 days and nights – even refusing to come out for Ada. I remember clearly saying he could force me to come out, but that I could not be forced to eat. Having to choose between my remaining in my self-imposed sanctuary and eating or coming out and going hungry, Ada relented. After my outburst, he stayed in my room, holding me. I remember Elrohir and Elladan watching us from the doorway, wearing identical expressions of concern as I finally drifted off to sleep.

The following morning I was whisked out of bed, still wrapped in my blankets and carried by one of the twins to this very clearing we lay in tonight. The other twin was waiting for us with horses and supplies. I was dressed, given lembas and placed on a horse in front of one of my brothers. We were gone for 5 days. I learned all the twins knew about fishing: what made the best bait, how to put the bait on the hook myself, how to tell the best fishing holes…everything. I learned how to lay the wood for a fire and how to place a ring of stone around the wood and the importance of carefully and completely extinguishing it, so not even a single spark threatened the trees or animals. I learned that water was safest when boiled and that the twins stories were far more exciting than Ada's. We watched Earendil, sang songs and generally had a wonderful time being together as brothers. To this day I am not sure how long they would have allowed the camping trip to last if I had not expressed a desire to "make sure that Ada was okay". Only then did we return to Rivendell. My self-confidence was restored. After all, I couldn't be as useless as the elflings had said. Dan and Elrohir would never waste time on someone useless.

These thoughts run through my mind now as I focus on Elrohir, the quieter of the twins. He is upset, withdrawn. I have seen it before, scarcely a handful of times. I do not believe he is away that I notice. I have shared my concern with Elladan, and while he does not deny a problem exists, he does not consider it his right to answer my query. As he does not suggest I ask Elrohir, I do not. But I have never stopped looking for a way to aid the younger twin. So I remain here, awake and vigilant. I wish as I have wished each time before, that this will be the last time my brother suffers.

_Legolas' POV_

As sleep begins to claim me I hear as gasp. Immediately, I awaken and instinctively locate the source.

Elrohir.

I raise my head slightly from the ground, my hand moves closer to my knives. Watching and listening, I neither see nor hear a threat. My gaze goes to Elrohir, where he is keeping watch from a tree. He does not appear to sense my concern or feel my eyes upon him. Indeed, I do not believe he realizes he has given an alert. My heart slows to it's normal rhythm as I begin to suspect his own thoughts have startled him.

My eyes move to Estel and Elladan. Their backs are to me, but there is just enough tension in their bodies' to give them away. For a reason I cannot explain, I feel they have been thus for Elrohir's entire watch.

Another sound from the tree. Elrohir sobs! Observing Elrohir's brother's already nearing him, I realize their bond is stronger than even I had imagined. They knew of his sobs before he gave voice to them. I follow them, knowing all three will need my support. We touch him gently – a physical sign of our brotherly love and concern. Estel speaks his name, but there is no answer . . . not through the passing of the moon and stars to the rising of the sun. But there is no rush. We will wait. He is worth it.

End


End file.
